1.Believing the cheating partner too early. – The cheated spouse is still in love, still wants to save the relationship, believes their partner will regret, fear losing them, feel guilty, sorry…they tend to believe the moment their partner say sorry or say they ended the other relationship. They believe now everything about their relationship will be back to normal or more because now their partner will do everything to win them back. It’s a beautiful thought but very unrealistic. Most people need help getting out and over their affair. It needs professional help, It takes time to get over the feelings, emotions, memories, lies, guilt and reconnect.
2.Demanding that your spouse tells you 100% truth and commits back to you 100% the moment it’s all disclosed.
Even if your mate is willing to make such a pledge it does not really mean anything. Affairs mess up the mind, the priorities, the feelings, loyalty…give space if you can’t deal with the mixed emotions and behavior your partner shows.
3.Shouting, yelling, blaming to make your spouse feel guilty, thinking that this will be helpful.
Your spouse admits it or not, but they already know that what they have been doing is wrong. Yelling, shouting and blaming them is only going to push them away.
4.Thinking changing your spouse’s phone number, blocking email id, blocking them from all social media platforms will break their ties.
Although these measures can be helpful to start with but are not sufficient to break their ties permanently. When one decides to close the affair they don’t need to change the phone number, and if they decide to stay in touch with them, changing the phone number won’t help.
5.Comparing yourself with the person your spouse had an affair with and repeatedly asking what’s missing in me? And trying to change yourself to match up with that person.-
Nobody is perfect, no marriage is picture-perfect. People have an affair first and then justify it by finding faults in their spouse. Affair is a choice one makes. It’s not your fault.
6.Thinking your partner will realize that nobody will ever love him/her as much as you do.-Your spouse will not buy that. In fact, your spouse’s so-called attitude called “I will show you what I am capable of you” might show up.
7.Using your children to blackmail the cheating partner.-I am sure you don’t want to blackmail or manipulate your spouse to stay when he/she wants to leave. For every kid their parents are heroes and share your anger and frustration towards your spouse with your kids is only going to hurt your kids and damage their innocent feelings. This never helps anyone.
8.Sharing or threatening to share about your spouse’s affair with close friends, relatives and near-n-dear ones.-Thinking if so many people know about it, and having a gang of supports on your side, because of the guilt and shame your partner will not leave you and go. If all these people know most likely your spouse would not like to stay in touch with these people ever again in life and would find it a compelling reason to leave his/her current world.
9.Thinking if you also have an affair, it will settle the score and set you at peace.-You might think only if they go through what you are going through they will ever understand your pain. Your mate may find you more appealing if you get involved with others. They may or may not, but definitely you will mess up your life further because now you need to deal with your spouse’s infidelity and the guilt of your own unfaithfulness. Also, your spouse might feel relieved that you found someone and he/she can move on without any guilt. Either way, it will not help you heal or restore your relationship.
10.Confronting your spouse’s affair partner, insulting them, requesting them to leave, or believing whatever they say.-Confronting, threatening, insulting thrashing the affair partner to make her/him feel guilty might make them look like the poor thing that needs your spouse’s sympathy/support. This might also give them a feeling that your marriage is dying and they have the power to win over your spouse.Many times the hurting partner thinks that the affair partner will tell them the truth, will feel guilty of what they have done and leave your spouse but on the contrary, they lie and manipulate the situation.
11.Trying to “woo” your spouse back and expecting them to reciprocate immediately.-Trying to woo your spouse by too much for them, or having too much sex, or being too much available to them will help them reciprocate feeling faster. This might make you look too desperate and make your spouse get repelled. Even if he/she stays back, may not respect you and take you for granted. It will not help you deal with the actual issue and lay the foundation of a strong marriage.
12.Believing that only the unfaithful spouse needs to work on the marriage.-Yes, your unfaithful spouse has given you the most devastating experience of life and he/she needs to make up for it. But remember either both the partners are happy or both are unhappy in a relationship.It never happens that one is extremely happy ad one is extremely sad. If a relationship works it’s because of both, if it doesn’t it’s because of both. The percentage of contributions might differ. After the affair is dealt with, it’s a very mature decision to look at marriage as a whole and work on it together.
13.Searching for a way that can fix your spouse, can fix the problem, can fix your marriage instantly.-I wish it was there, but each affair, each marriage, each person has its own dynamics, challenges and ways of handling. There is no fixed formula to deal with such situations. Giving it time, space and working under the guidance of an expert can help you come out of an affair stronger and happier couple.If you are reading this and thinking you have done one or more mistakes already, do no worry. If both of you want to save the marriage you need to seek an expert who can guide you through. It means you are human and hurt, so be easy on yourself and work towards healing not hurting each other.
COACH SUCHETAA
